Dearest Reader: Every so often I'll be posting failed submissions I've made to the Onion News Network in my capacity as an official contributor. The fact that these are indeed "failed" may attest to their very humor value. That said, they're already written and might as well appear somewhere other than just on my hard drive.
Dad Teaches Son Value of Dollar by Screaming That He Can’t Get Another Goddamn Toy
ONN Financial Advisor reports how a father turned a typical trip to the mall into an important discussion on financial responsibility by constantly screaming “NO GODDAMN IT! NO, NO, NO!!!” and “Do you (expletive) know how (expletive) hard I have to work to make this money you (expletive) (expletive)?!?” in front of a growing crowd after his child kept demanding a Nintendo DS game. Analyst suggests other parents use such shopping trips as opportunities to loudly and persistently impart money-saving tips to their children, and not cave in to the kid’s demand like the dad in the story eventually did.