Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Top Plans of Lottery Winners (in Time for Tax Day)

Immediately disavow any promised acts of largesse made to family and friends that began with the phrase “If I ever win the lottery…”

Quit current job. Commence new career as “Mercurial Dilettante.”

See if money can indeed buy class by diamond-encrusting every limb.

Build three extra stories on garage. Purchase hovercrafts.

Write, direct and produce sequel to The Passion of the Christ called The Passion of the Christ: Back in Training.

Find out just how often one can silence a room by immolating a Vermeer.

Prove to neighbors you’re willing to fight “fire with fire” by replacing lawn gnomes with collection of working 18th century Spanish galleon canons.

Set up diverse investment portfolio with half the winnings put in furs and the other half in revenge.

Begin a lengthy series of cosmetic surgeries all in hope of one day resembling the Silver Surfer.

Buy company out from under employer. Fire everyone. Spend workdays stealing office supplies without fear of reprisal.

Start construction on personal Death Star. After taxes scale back project to a beach ball filled with arsenic.

Realize that if one lottery ticket can win you $100 million, just think how much 100 million lottery tickets can win you.

Purchase house with retractable roof to let in sun, Harrier jet.

Only order meals made with generous helpings of saffron, platinum and stem cells.

Forgo any philanthropic efforts in favor of purchasing West Virginia, West Virginians.

Always be able to answer the question “Do you wanna rock?!” by implanting Fender guitar and amp in chest.

Buy local Arena Football team. Buy charging rhinos. Create new sport with one-week season.

Clone self. Engage in lengthy court battle to see which one is the rightful lottery winner.

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