California Decriminalizes Marijuana
Users Celebrate, Forget Where They Parked
SACRAMENTO, CA—In an attempt to deter further economic collapse, California has become the first state in the union to legalize marijuana so as to allow its regulation and tax of sale, according to Governor Schwarzenegger's Press Secretary Aaron McLear, who announced the decree shortly after self-administering Visine Clear Eye drops.
Following the recommendations of a state congressional committee that a more-tolerant drug policy would not only result in in $1.3 billion in much needed annual revenue but also gain greater credibility among the ever hard-to-please youth, the government unveiled its "Don't Cash the Bowl, Man" campaign to thunderous "woahs."
The campaign—funded by the occasional temp job, a few local band gigs and some money a proponent's dad gave him to buy resume paper—hopes to send a credible message about the new law. Exactly how it plans to do so remains a mystery, however, since most of the campaign appears to have been written in one sitting, with a crayon, on the back of two veggie burrito menus, a free weekly newspaper and a fistful of EZ rolling papers and "Earn Big Bucks Stuffing Envelopes" handouts.
Numerous anti-drug organizations were quick to express their grave reservations, citing California would almost certainly experience the same dreadful social consequences England faced a few years back when Parliament relaxed marijuana laws.
"No one ever remembers to return a phone call in Britain anymore," said Tim Riley, a spokesman for Drug Free America Inc. "Neighbors go on and on about how beautiful some stupid moth they saw three weeks ago was. Television viewers think the characters on Coronation Street are actually watching them instead. And just try to find an unopened bag of crisps in that country."
Some federal officials also fear that any move toward decriminalization would make California a veritable haven for drug tourism, but Governor Schwarzenegger was quick to disagree.
“People visit California for three reasons,” stated the Governor. “To cheer on the Los Angeles Clippers, to get a firsthand look at the largest judiciary system in the United States and to experience the route initially taken by Portuguese explorer João Rodrigues Cabrilho."
Mr. McLear also stressed that the new law was not tantamount to an official condonation of excessive drug use, stating, "In fact, the whole point of the law is to remove the illicit allure of marijuana and perhaps decrease its usage. We're talking slices here, not whole pies. For example, imagine if the world were a pizza. Uh...I mean, if you were the pizza...No, no...umm...the world! The world is definitely a pizza! Is that freakin' awesome or what?!" The Press Secretary then became fascinated with the dirt under his fingernails.