8:32 PM: Hugh wisely scuttles plans for latest Debbie Allen-choreographed number, "Hooray for Celebrating."
8:37 PM: A Kraftwerk reference for The Reader dance number wins over the band's billions of fans watching worldwide.
8:43 PM: Best Supporting Actress category presented by five former winners reviewing each nominee's performance, character and vital stats, giving us a hint at the 47-hour production we are about to endure.
8:46 PM: Goldie Hawn suddenly wakes up to find herself on stage in the Kodak Theater.
8:47 PM: Penelope Cruz is the first winner of the night mentions Harvey Weinstein, preventing him from going on a wild rampage, cutting a swath of destruction through most of downtown Burbank before being taken down by helicopter gunfire and fellow gargantuan Mothra.
8:50 PM: Ms. Cruz ends her speech in Spanish with the code phrase for the Basque Separatists to launch their final attack on Madrid.
8:57 PM: Wall-E loses best original screenplay. I consider switching to NASCAR on Fox.
8:58 PM: I feel bad about the above statement after the original screenplay winner's speech.
9:00 PM: Scandal erupts when it is learned that the nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay were not only inspired by but also liberally borrowed from preexisting material.
9:01 PM: Slumdog Millionaire wins its first nomination as it goes on to win not only every single award it is vying for but also two it isn't—Best Performance by a Rap Duo or Group and the 2009 JD Power Award for Best Sports/Cargo Van.
9:06 PM: WALL-E! WALL-E! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
9:08 PM: Camera cut shows Peter Gabriel to be wearing his Frank Langella costume.
9:10 PM: La maison en petit cubes wins best animated short. Director quotes Styx in his acceptance speech. Everyone over 40 has a slight chuckle.
9:14 PM: Cirque du Soleil commercial reminds me why I ran away from the circus to join a family.
9:16 PM: Awards show continues to tell the story of how a movie is made through the order of its nominations, reminding us once and for all that if you don't know who your supporting actress is then don't even bother writing a screenplay.
9:17 PM: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button wins the first of every technical and art design award it is nominated for, which is English for "The producer and cast of Benjamin Button will not be on stage at the close of the ceremony."
9:20 PM: I am made to retract my above statement as Benjamin Button loses Costume Design to the critical and financial juggernaut that is The Duchess, which I believe played in theaters between 2 and 4 pm some day last March.
9:24 PM: Benjamin Button wins Best Make-Up, putting it back on track to lose Best Picture.
9:25 PM: Despite growing demand, lax security and a clean shot, snipers are unable to pick off Oscar telecast scribe Bruce Vilanch.
9:27 PM: The stars of Twilight and Mamma Mia! present a montage to romance in the movies that for some reason features Zac Efron with girls. But all is saved at the close with Eve and Wall-E touching foreheads.
9:32 PM: Either Natalie Portman is on stilts or Ben Stiller is 3'4" tall.
9:33 PM: Slumdog has now won two Oscars, the PEN/Faulkner Award and Best Cheese (Blue-Veined).
9:39 PM: First camera cut to Jerry Lewis berating a female comic by saying she shouldn't be.
9:45 PM: Oscars fulfill legal obligation to feature Seth Rogen.
9:47 PM: Short Live-Action Film category won by the very low-budget "With the Right Lens and Favorable Lighting I Can See into My Neighbor's Bathroom."
9:53 PM--3:15 AM: A celebration of movie musicals featuring Beyonce and the casts of High School Musical, Mamma Mia and Broadway Golddiggers of 1935.
10:02 PM: The Best Supporting Actor category is introduced with similar fanfare to that of Best Supporting Actress, giving Joel Grey and Cuba Gooding Jr. their best roles in years.
10:08 PM: Right choice. No jokes.
10:12 PM: Documentary category. One nominee is disqualified for thanking numerous militias in the credits. Another for exploring sexual politics in a retirement community. And yet another for proudly stating it was “Inspired by the director’s college thesis on Ayn Rand.”
10:18 PM: Documentary Short Subject category. Winner: Film about one man's quest to write, direct and produce his own sequel to The Passion of the Christ titled The Passion of the Christ: Back in Training.
10:21 PM: Oscar fatigue already setting. Revisit lifelong dream of buying an arena football team. Then buying several charging rhinos. Then creating a new sport with a one-week season.
10:23 PM: Montage of action films fails to reconnect me with awards show. Recall time I suggested renaming magazine Backdoor Babes only to be met by stunned silence from everyone at Newsweek.
10:27 PM: Outstanding Visual Effects award to the Blu-Ray release of Logan's Run.
10:29 PM: Outstanding Sound Editing awarded to the Susan Lucci of the 2009 Oscars, The Dark Knight.
10:30 PM: Just mentioned The Dark Knight and Susan Lucci in one sentence, making me the manliest guy on earth.
10:32 PM: Slumdog wins Outstanding Sound Mixing, the 2009 Betty Crocker Cook-Off and Spike TV Video Game Award.
10:35 PM: Much like one can only watch an elderly person fall off a wheelchair so many times before it stops being hilarious and starts being depressing, one can no longer take any pleasure in watching Benjamin lose to Slumdog. Well, maybe a little more...
10:45 PM: Jerry Lewis is finally recognized for all his charitable work in making certain we never, ever see The Day the Clown Cried. Somewhere up in heaven former comedy partner Dean Martin is celebrating the moment by plowing a beautiful angel.
10:54 PM: Having already given Slumdog 14 awards, the Oscar for Best Original Score is instead awarded to the first person in the audience to reach the podium. A very spry Angela Lansbury thanks the Academy.
11:02 PM: Slumdog proves to be the only film that can defeat Slumdog by besting Slumdog in the Best Song from Slumdog Category at the 2009 Slumdog Oscars Featuring Slumdog.
11:08 PM: Best Foreign Language Film goes to very loud but endearing Japanese man who may or may not have had anything to do with the winning film.
11:11 PM: Montage of those who passed, causing every viewer to utter at least once, "Wait, he/she died?!?" or "Wait, he/she didn't die years ago?!?" or simply "Who?"
11:18 PM: The moment you've all been waiting for--the President of the Academy takes a bow but not his usual 22 minutes from the broadcast.
11:20 PM: Best Director award goes to Uwe Boll for Xbox 360 Arcade Console with Bonus Game.
11:24 PM: Only three more categories to go. Can the Space Monkeys juggernaut be stopped?!
11:27 PM: Best Actress Award presentation featuring Sophia Loren and four others.
11:28 PM: While being feted by Shirley Maclaine, Anne Hathaway literally has to stop her heart from breaking out of her half-centimeter thick breastplate.
11:30 PM: Sophia Loren appears currently to be involved in an elderly alien hybrid-breeding program.
11:33 PM: Kate Winslet--having previously been scolded by the British press for daring to show emotion during her Golden Globes wins--tries to remain cold and indifferent but then remembers she just won the fucking Oscar.
11:38 PM: Best Actor Category presentation. Michael Douglas reminds us that Frost/Nixon came out last year.
11:39 PM: Robert DeNiro introduces nominee Sean Penn with the usual sense of lighthearted humor and self-effacement for which both men are notorious.
11:40 PM: Anthony Hopkins announces during his nominee speech that he is doing a prequel to the prequel of Silence of the Lambs taking place in elementary school church camp.
11:43 PM: Feel-good moment of the night is missed as Mickey Roarke loses to Sean Penn, who introduces the new catchphrase "Commie-homo-sons of-guns."
11:45 PM: Rourke prepares to answer the same question again and again from the press after the broadcast--"How does it feel to have let down Loki?"
11:52 PM: Slumdog Millionaire wins the Nobel Peace Prize.