Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Ted Forth's Guide to Celebrating the Last Two Weeks of Summer Indoors, in Your Cubicle, in Complete Denial
• Periodically run up and down the office hallway, screaming “Ice cream man! Ice cream man!”
• Replace office chairs with patio furniture, the copier with a Weber grill and your supervisor with a Slurpee machine.
• Forgo business cards in favor of carefully marked water balloons.
• Gather together a couple of your buddies and go “cruising” around the office in the mail cart.
• Instead of “hello” say “aloha,” instead of “goodbye” say “surf’s up” and instead of “the finished presentation is on your desk” say “God, I so fucking wish I were in Hawaii right now.”
• Introduce “Summer Concert” conference calls (bring guitar).
• Bring the outdoors inside. Release a swarm of cicadas on the senior manager’s floor.
• Refer to the summer intern as “cabana boy.”
• Relive the innocent joys of your childhood summers. Spend the majority of your afternoons sneaking cheap beer.
• Rename the conference room “the summer carnival,” the hallway “the boardwalk” and your cubicle “the nude beach.”
• At 8, drink your coffee out of pineapple shell. At 12, eat your lunch out of a picnic basket. At 3, ask a coworker to apply a generous layer of tanning oil on your back and hindquarters.
• Set off the sprinkler system with some fireworks.
• Introduce “Half-Price Margarita” PowerPoint presentations.