Ted Forth Responds to One Reader's Dismay

What is wrong with some people who the minute they start thinking about reproduction, they have to talk to every goshdarn person they know about it?

Sally/Ted/Ces, here’s how it works. Other than your family doctor, your surrogate baby mama, your therapist and your partner, telling people about your reproductive plans and/or difficulties is boorish. It makes the listener uncomfortable and it whittles away any affection the friend might feel for you. You can tell by the forced looks of interest and sympathy.

I am very annoyed that a strip I like is doing this to me.

What I like about this message is that the author chose to address not just me but also the two comic strip characters. Not only that, but I actually place third on the list, as if to the writer were saying, "Judging by your less than deft handling of the current story arc, Ces, I believe I have a better chance of reasoning with your fictional counterparts than with you."

And you know, they're right. So without further ado I've decided to let Ted Forth respond to the above message. Take it away, Ted.

Dear Fan:

Please know, I completely appreciate your frustration when confronted with someone prattling on about their plans for reproduction, as if their parturition is in any way of paramount concern to you.

But please note, often by discussing things with others do we gain the necessary understanding to do not only what we want but also, more importantly, achieve what we truly need. Take that great 20th century character, Benson. When we first met Benson he was the butler for the wealthy Tate family in "Soap." But despite his clear affection for materfamilias Jessica Tate, not doubt Benson spoke to friends and family about his desire to do more with his life, see more of this great world of ours. And unquestionably it was through these heart-to-hearts that he chose to leave his former employer in Connecticut and become the Head of Household Affairs for Governor Eugene Gatling (a career move no doubt facilitated by the fact that Eugene was the cousin of Jessica Tate).

Yet even though the job was not without its rewards, Benson still yearned for more. So one can presume that he engaged in another long series of conversations with his compeers, and it was thanks to their advice that he almost certainly acquired the confidence and commitment to steadily climb up the ladder until he became State Budget Director and then ultimately to the very esteemed and enviable position of Lieutenant Governor.

But as we all know, no matter how much you have, you dream of something more. And so it was with Benson when he--we can assuredly guess--once more sought the audience and counseling of workmates, classmates and soulmates to debate the viability of a run for the governorship. And so the series "Benson" ended on an unresolved cliffhanger, as the title character and best friend and new opponent Eugene sat together, watching the election returns.

I guess in the end what I'm trying to say is that I, Ted Forth, have after much deliberation and discussion with my still confused family decided to run as Governor of the Great State of Where I Reside.

Now, I understand that after 18 long months of electioneering the last thing any of you want to hear is further debates and disputes over the economy, the Iraq War, oil prices, the environment and the like. That is why I have built my campaign on a solid platform of personal and unique interests that can once more engage and enliven the electorate. To wit:

* Round-the-clock airing of the 1983 Saturday morning cartoon "Rubik: The Amazing Cube." I, for one, have never seen this cartoon but its very premise--a magical cube that fell off an evil stagecoach and can only come alive when properly solved--practically screams delicious entertainment.

* Immediate availability of Astro Pops in all retail venues, not just retro candy outlets.

* Universal healthcare as practiced by Canada, Europe and I believe President Koopa in the film "Super Mario Bros."

* The triumphant return of Funny Face Juice Packs, minus such less than ideal characters as Chinese Cherry and Injun Orange.

* After decades of broken promises and outright lies concerning the future of transportation, I will finally make all our dreams come true by giving everyone a jetpack.

Thank you for listening. My name is Ted Forth and I will put the past back into our future!

Good night and God speed.
Ted Forth