Monday, June 9, 2008

How to Truly, Deeply Enjoy Life on a Severely Restrictive Budget

Can you believe that it's already June? Can you believe we're almost halfway through 2008? Can you believe that in about 70 years we’ll all be dead? All of us. Even the toddlers who somehow managed to access this site. I won't go into exact details about how I know such things but suffice it to say that I had the shit scared out of me last night at dinner when I opened my fortune cookie.

Of course, this should come as a surprise to no. Man has always been acutely aware of his brief sojourn on this earth. Consequently, he has always devised some means to help him face his fear that life is but frivolous and fleeting. Some people look forward to an afterlife. Others look forward to another spin at the wheel. And a few simply look to make the most of their short time here before they go to live on in the minds of friends, family and creditors.

Despite my notorious shyness and crippling fear of the color yellow, I like to think I fall squarely into the last category. I am firmly of the opinion that we were given life for a reason, and that reason is not to see what's behind Door Number Two. That reason is to experience the thrill of life while we still have not just the chance but the cashews to follow our dreams. So with that in mind I created a succinct list of activities everyone should engage in, not only for the amusing anecdotes but also to know what it truly means to be human. And because of a crippling economy, paralyzing oil prices and myelopathic job market I made certain that each of the following life-affirming pursuits would cost no more than five dollars, tops:

*Enjoy the hell out of an apple.
*Swim with ducks.
*Get kidnapped by world travelers.
*Pretend your life is a television show. End each half-hour with a lesson.
*Walk barefoot on the grass, to and from work.
*Inquire about rates at a five-star hotel.
*Fashion a skateboard out of a discarded plank of wood and four similar-sized oranges.
*Pick an enemy. Devise a retaliatory plan of action. Marvel at your cunning brilliance.
*Make own breakfast cereal with your more crunchy or water insoluble leftovers.
*Face your fear of bankruptcy.


D.B. Echo said...

I've already done the first and last of those. Both of them today.

I was once making my classic oatmeal Toll House cookies over a friend's house when I realized that they had no brown sugar. Reasoning that white sugar is merely brown sugar with the molasses extracted, I decided to make brown sugar by recombining the ingredients. The resulting cookies crumbled into small clusters. They made excellent breakfast cereal for the rest of the weekend.

Jym said...

=v= Walk barefoot? The Grey Lady ain't gonna like that, Yogi!

So-Called Austin Mayor said...


In the interests of science, I decided to test the efficacy of your list of "life-affirming pursuits". After completing the first two items on the list, I have to express my disappointment.

Although I enjoy swimming, I did not and do not see how adding apples to the mix enhanced the exercise.

In addition, while I did enjoy the bird, it did not... wait a minute... "Enjoy the hell out of an apple"?!?


I guess I owe you, and that duck, an apology.

so-called "Austin Mayor"

D.B. Echo said...

If it weren't for the HUGE FREAKING STORM that just blew here and seized control of today's blog post, I would have created my own version of this list today. Maybe tomorrow. This deserves to become, as the kids say, a "meme." (Even though that ain't what a meme is, honey.)

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Nice list...

... You got me thinking...