Quotes from Godzilla’s Own DVD Commentaries

“You probably can’t tell, but that’s not the real Tokyo I’m trashing.”

“With the first Godzilla film we really had something important to say. I’m not sure if the same holds true for Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack.”

“Man, did we butcher A Doll’s House with this flick…”

“My real name is ‘Gojira,’ which is a combination of the Japanese words for ‘gorilla’ and ‘whale.’ ‘Gorilla Whale’…Why didn’t they just call me ‘Fucking Ugly Fat Ass’ instead?”

“I think the worst part of my becoming a ‘good guy’ character was working with all those kids…I tell you, if the children are our future I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.”

“Wait, I don’t recall seeing Raymond Burr on set. What gives?”

“The original title of Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla was Godzilla Meets Mechagodzilla. It was suppose to be my big entry into romantic comedy. We even had a great ‘first date’ montage set in a carnival. Cotton candy on the chin and everything. But then the comment cards came back from the screening…”

“It’s amazing how often William Faulkner refused screenwriting credit.”

“Who…who am I fighting in this scene?…Is…is that the San Diego Chicken?!…Christ, I’m glad I was drunk for most of the seventies…”

“In the Japanese versions of the films you could clearly make out everything I said. Right here, for example, I’m making an impassioned plea against chlorofluorocarbons…”

“Kong’s people had been itching for us to do a buddy film for years. If I had known what a slave to Meisner that son of a bitch was I never would have done the movie.”

“Wrenching sense of dislocation, oblique narrative structure, casual sex and drug use, Leonard Cohen soundtrack, Bud Cort—nothing captured the auteur spirit of 1970’s filmmaking like Godzilla Flees Conscription…”

“What can I say about Gamera that hasn’t already been said in a court of law…”

“I actually have a small cameo in the 1998 American version of Godzilla. That’s me in the background having trouble swiping my Metrocard through…”

“Back in my day we didn’t have any of this ‘J-horror’ nonsense. No ghosts, no shamanism, no freaky, stringy-haired girls muttering God know what…You wanted to scare people? All you needed was me, a nemesis and scenes from my last six films.”

“Godzilla’s Big Day Out was the first and only time I played a retarded character, mostly in hopes of scoring an Oscar nod. I still crushed buildings, but this time it was purely accidental.”

“The ‘atomic testing’ origin story was the studio’s idea. They figured no one would be scared if they learned of my idyllic childhood in New Rochelle.”

“After five years of filming and only 12 minutes of usable footage we finally had to can Kubrick…”

“Destroy All Monsters was sort of like our Ocean’s 11. Simply everyone was in it! Me, Mothra, Rodan, Kumanga, Peter Lawford…”

“I don’t remember who played the scientist in this one…no offense, but the actors all pretty much looked the same to me.”