Monday, December 17, 2007

Questions Not to Ask at the Office Holiday Party

“Can someone point me to the men’s room? I’m feeling randy.”

“How many Poles does it take to run a company into a ground? Just Lech and his two dumbass sons over there.”

“Y’know, I’m looking at all the crayon drawings of food, noting the complete absence of any actual appetizers or real entrees, and I can’t help but wonder, sir—should you have promoted Lenny from the mailroom to Events Coordinator.”

“Are you a registered Republican or do you not give a damn about your future in this company?”

“Excuse me, but exactly what is this party in lieu of? I hope it’s not dental because I just got into a wicked fight over by the omelet station.”

“Are you ignoring me because I’m not in senior management or because you just saw me shove some brisket in my pocket for later?”

“Here’s a riddle—What has four legs but can’t walk? Give up? Jim and Nancy!…What? Oh, if I’m such a cruel bastard then why did I allocate the funds for their access ramp?”

“Can you hold my baby for a moment? I’m going to get another whisky sour.”

“Why aren’t the employees mingling and enjoying each other’s company? After all, this is the only time of the year we allow that to happen.”

“Guess how many licks it takes to get to the center of my…DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A GROUP DISCUSSION, BOB?!? KEEP WALKING!”

“When did our company stop being about the people and start being about the multiple class-action lawsuits?”

“Why won’t you let me celebrate my love for you?!”

“If we’re all a so-called team then why aren’t any of you wearing the official team jerseys I just made in the stairwell out of tablecloths and tortellini sauce?!”

“Now who wants to see me perform the exact same trick without the fork concealed under my napkin?”

“What’s the difference between this party and a wake? One less asshole to deal with.”

“Who wants to say grace before we eat?”