“In a Land Lousy with Unicorns…” and Other Less-Than-Exceptional Beginnings to Children’s Books

“At Hogwarts School for Wizards, the ‘special ed’ kids were the most inadvertently dangerous of them all.”

“This is the story of seven little elves…well, five little elves…no, wait, four little…two…this is the story of one little elf with a repeat-action pistol.”

“Sleeping Beauty awoke from her long slumber to find that, crap, she was still drunk.”

“Bobby was an orphan. Tommy was the reason why.”

“For an eight-year-old boy, Arnie had made some very powerful enemies indeed. The following is the story of his last known hours.”

“A long time ago in a land far, far away, lived two brother. One was extremely happy, loved by all and could do no wrong in the eyes of family, friends and every one he met. The other brother, however, had not won Powerball Lotto.”

“Tugboats don’t usually drown…unless they are very, very depressed.”

“Puddles was no ordinary adorable puppy. For starters, he robbed banks.”

“Because he kept kosher, many believed Petey to be a self-hating pig.”

“For an enchanted sprite, Louie was having a heck of a time graduating from air conditioning and refrigeration school.”

“Wherever you look there is magic…and probably a Starbucks.”

“One fine spring day Jenny awoke to realize that she could fly…but only up to 1000 feet, whereupon she lost instantly lost her newfound power forever.”

“It was the day of the teddy bear picnic, and shame was once more to walk hand-in-hand with alcoholism.”

“Once upon a time there lived a very poor farmer. His crops were dying. His loved ones were starving. His future looked oh so bleak. Then one day, only hours before the bank was to foreclose on his property and the government was to put his children to work in the coal mines to repay the family debt, the lowly farmer spied a leprechaun struggling against the swift currents in the river that ran alongside the farm. The farmer quickly ran to the leprechaun’s aid and without hesitation rescued him from certain doom. The leprechaun was so taken with the farmer’s bravery that he said unto his rescuer, ‘For saving my life, I shall grant you one wish. Name it and it shall be instantly yours.’ And since that fateful time that poor farmer has never gone a single day without scoring some sweet, sweet pussy.”

“For small, defenseless and apparently edible beings, gnomes have a tendency to shoot of their mouth to the wrong creatures.”