From the Ted Forth Files: How NOT to Start a Cover Letter

Thanks to Ted Forth for sharing the following less-than-triumphant attempts at securing employment:

"Mother always said Baby Jesus has a plan for every person in Christendom. I believe His plan for me was that I become your Assistant North Eastern Regional Manager of Sales Development, New Media."

"A team player. A natural leader. A big-picture visionary. A details-oriented individual. A fine piece of ass. I’m all these and oh so much more."

"I’ve got skills. Mad skills."

"I despise everything that your company represents. But I love your competitive salaries and comprehensive benefits package. So clearly I’m torn."

"I’m not one for making threats. So please excuse the awkwardness of this letter."

"In the words of the Insane Clown Posse…"

"I’ll do anything for a Klondike bar. Anything."

"Please note that this job request is contingent on tonight’s Mega Lotto drawing."

"Working for your company would be the twelfth best thing that could happen to me."

"I never thought it would come to this. Me, asking someone like you for a job."

"When I saw your ad in the classifieds I immediately thought, ‘Hey, that looks like a good way to kill two or three years of my life.’"

"Clearly if I had something other than deli wrapping paper to write this on I would have used it so don’t even start."

"Ever since I was a kid I longed for a career in medical supply sales. Christ, what a freak of a nine-year-old I was."

"I know you’re looking for a self-starter, but I beg you to reconsider."

"Do you guys like to party?"

"As I write my ninth cover letter to you in as many days, I can’t help but wonder why haven’t you called. Are you ill?"

"I believe I possess the essential job qualifications, experience and commitmentthat you not only seek but also demand for this significant position. I shit you not."

"Turn around. Slowly."