Monday, July 9, 2007

Comics and Gambling: A Winning Combination

“Ted Forth, Male Lesbian, is gazing at the abyss, and the abyss is gazing at him. He needs less Nietzche, more Norman Vincent Peale.”—Doug Puthoff, Comics Curmudgeon

Ever since Ted was terminated from his job in Sally Forth reader reaction has been, well, let’s just say there has been a reaction, which is a step in the right direction. Some have identified with his plight, others have decried what they view as a dour turn of events for the funny pages, but only one person--Jamus the Bartender, regular commentator on America’s Finest Website --took the time to actually set odds for Incidents During Ted Forth’s Tenure of Unemployment. Place your bets on his predictions and maybe, regrettably, help alter a storyline in the process:

1. The first time Ted does the laundry, he eschews using the dryer in favor of a clothespin line simply to watch the college girl next door sunbathe and get drunk. 20-1 Win, 10-1 Place, 5-1 Show

2. Hilary can no longer bring her friends over as an unshaven, cologne-smelling-leaves-his-robe-open-and-doesn’t-care-because-it’s-still-his-house-Goddammit Ted freaks them out. 10-1 Win, 5-1 Place, 3-1 Show

3. Sally spends a LOT of time at the office due to Ted’s unwillingness to get off his hiney and look for work, their sex life suffers and….well, let me just say, amongst the mailroom, Sally’s new nickname is now “fingercuffs” (consult Kevin Smith’s Chasing Amy or your local library for further information). 15-1 Win, 10-1 Place, 5-1 Show

4. Sally comes home to find Ted rearranging her underwear drawer, labeling each piece by day of the week, color, pattern and “which one works best for me."30-1 Win, 20-1 Place, 10-1 Show

5. Not only has Ted seen every episode of Sealab 2021, he’s also started an Annotated Sealab 2021 site, complete with lists of cast of characters and a possible interview with the guy that does the voice of Hesh. 10-1 Win, 5-1 Place, 3-1 Show (Note: Ces bets $25,000 to Win)

6. Ted buys a telescope, ostensibly for his new astronomy hobby, but it’s really for….well, co-ed next door, you do the math. 20-1 Win, 10-1 Place, 5-1 Show


D.B. Echo said...

Even without an inside tip, my money would still be on #5. Unemployment, an internet connection, and free website hosting on places like Blogger are a dangerous combination. (I created THREE new blogs last week alone. My goal is to earn an income through AdSense ads. Since April, I've made over $12! That first $100 check should be coming my way in another 27 months or so!)

Jamus The Bartender said...

Greetings and salutations.
Wow....spent the morning surfing and came upon the re-posting. I'm flattered. LJ didn't do it with my postings of FOOB marriage odds. Much appreciated.

Andrea said...

1 and 2 do sound the most plausible, but I too have an affection for #5. Ted has always seemed like a nerd.

yellojkt said...

I'm putting my money on:

Faye threatens Ted that if he asks her if she wants to earn some extra money modeling after school she will have to call Child Services just like she did with her mom's last boyfriend. 250-1 Win, 100-1 Show, 50-1 Place

dougputhoff said...

Ted does a Barney Fifeish freakout when he finds out about Hil's soda fight, grounds her until she's 21, says he has to "Nip it in the Bud."

200-1 Win, 50-1 Place, 10-1 show.