Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

Halloween Childhood Responses to Classic Trick-or Treat Candy
* Charms Sour Ball: "I'm not allowed to accept candy that isn't wrapped or doesn't suck."
* Mike & Ike: "Christ, lady."
* Necco Wafers: "What is this? The Soviet Union?!"
* Bit O' Honey: "Balls!"
* Ring Pop: "Stunning...simply stunning."
* Candy Buttons: "You know, I accept change, too."
* Good 'n Plenty: "Well, they're half right."
* Whoppers: "Oh, I think we'll be doing business again."
* Candy Corn: "I'm...I'm going to bed."
* Chiclets: "Jesus, who do you have to blow to get some decent candy around here?!?"
* Pixy Stix: "I love you."

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Halloween Tips for Adults

Go bobbing for apples in vodka. See who’s the first not to resurface.

Wander around your neighborhood dressed in a HAZMAT costume…three full days before Halloween.

When trick-or-treaters ask if you’ll put change for their orange UNICEF coin boxes, launch into a wild-eyed rant against one-world governments, the Illuminati, Masons and the Trilateral Commission. Make sure no children leave without literature from Lyndon LaRouche.

If you wish for you and your husband to go as George Sand and Franz Liszt and he wishes that you both go as Dastardly and Mutley, consider yours a “starter marriage.”

Clad your children in shirts two sizes too small and shoes three times too big. Have them go door-to-door requesting food staples.

An “ironic costume” is a 6’9” man dressed as a member of the Lollipop Guild. Not a 240-pound man dressed as Strawberry Shortcake.

Decorate your yard with fake tombstones. Have each feature the birth and projected death date of a neighbor.

Never let small children carve pumpkins. They take forever and the world needs another “triangle-eyed” Jack O’ Lantern like it needs another smallpox epidemic.

When designing a fun costume for your kid, remember, they don’t have a fucking clue who Teen Wolf was.

Indulge in your worst passive-aggressive tendencies by covering your next-door neighbor’s house with eggs and toilet paper Halloween night and then spending the next morning standing alongside them on their front lawn, gazing at your work and muttering “damn kids.”

When telling your kids scary bedtime stories, try not to end every single tale with “And then you and your brother were left to fend for yourselves.”

If you get into a vicious bar fight while dressed as Flower from Bambi we all die a little inside.

Screaming, “Bring it on!” whenever children yell “Trick or treat!” at your door may result in a visit from the local police.

Always inspect your kids’ candy, making sure to hurl the Mike & Ikes, Bit O’ Honeys and tiny Chiclets boxes back at the cheap-ass neighbors who gave them.

When writing an invitation for an adult Halloween party, try avoiding such uninspired descriptors as “bone-chilling,” “monstrous,” “ghoulish” or “BYOB.”

If you go apoplectic when your five-year-old son says he would like to go as a “witch” for Halloween this year, perhaps he’s not the one with the serious issues.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Character Costume Designs No One Else Will Be Wearing This Halloween

Whether it’s for an office party, a friend’s get-together, trick-or-treating with your kids or simply because you’re looking for a stylish alternative to “business casual,” nothing but nothing can ruin a good three or four weeks like the search for the perfect Halloween costume. Trust me, I feel your pain. I am in a similar predicament. I am most likely going to show up at an associate’s Halloween bash dressed as a member of Mummenschanz, if only because black stockings are cheap and toilet paper rolls are plentiful.

I do not expect my costume to be readily identified by any fellow partygoer under the age of 35.

But while I may indeed be thoroughly incapable of locating proper attire for ourselves, that doesn’t mean I'm going to leave you high and dry this holiday season. Keeping in mind your limited time—and perhaps funds—I have put together the following list of Halloween character costumes that won’t cost much, can easily be assembled in minutes with items around your house and will almost certainly not be duplicated by other partygoers…if for no other reason than the sad fact that this web site has two, maybe three vistors, tops.

1. Paulie, The Forgotten Smurf: You know Papa and Brainy and Handy and Grouchy, Vanity and Smurfette and Hefty and Jokey. But do you recall the most famous smurf of all to take both a bullet and controlling interest in his town’s sanitation and highway maintenance sectors? Perhaps the most colorful resident of Smurf Village (and certainly the only one to sport an olive complexion), Paulie always had one hand on a stogie, the other on his crotch and a third buried somewhere in his backyard, the result of a business transaction gone horribly awry. Quick with a joke, a sizeable loan or a threat so cold and calculated it could drain the blood from Azrael’s face, Paulie was blessed with many associates but few friends on the NBC network staff. His low-brow, high-body-count antics often put him at odds with television censors, family advocacy groups, anti-defamation leagues and, none too surprisingly, both the Yakuza and Russian mobs. In the end his image and voice track were excised from every surviving episode of “Smurfs,” preventing future generations from not only enjoying his routinely profitable hijinks but also from hearing his once-famous catchphrase, “Hey, Gargamel! I don’t go down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth, do I?!”
Costume includes green body paint, double-breasted suit and an assortment of steaks and chops “for tips.”

2. High School Drama Department Barbie (AKA “Spooky Girl”): Remember the girl who always wore a boa, even during swim class? The one who when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up replied, “Nora, from A Doll’s House.” The one who liked to sit alone in the front of the bus and gyrate rhythmically to the music of the Cocteau Twins, even though she wasn’t wearing any headphones and the driver’s radio was tuned to the sports station? Well now you, too, can recapture the look of that one classmate who spent her lunch hours developing provocative back stories for each one of her french fries. Brash yet bereft of social skills, High School Drama Department Barbie likes to imagine the whole world is her audience, not realizing that most people don’t even like attending the theater for free. So when it comes to your costume the operative word is “commanding.” Best to dress up in an assortment clashing patterns and color combinations that would shock a Missoni boutique owner. Don’t simply walk but stride into the party as if the foyer to Fiddler’s Green Pub was a catwalk and the drunks by the Golden Tee video game machine were paparazzi from Vogue Italia. And, most important of all, when talking to guests don’t look so much at them as through them, as you imagine what they must be imagining you’re currently thinking. Then, to cap it off, come prepared with a long, feathery pink boa, if only so you have something to dramatically toss around your neck when you suddenly bolt upright and exclaim, “Renaldo awaits!”

3. Lucky Charms’ Less Fortunate Cereal Mascot Brother, “Screwed”: With two girlfriends knocked-up, a job that fails to provide medical coverage not to mention a fixed office address and a rash that actually seems to spread upon contact with Bactine, Screwed would like to think he’s seen better days but, frankly, this constitutes an upswing. As the spokescharacter for the only children’s cereal to be recalled in Mexico and to sport the tagline “I swear, I’m good for the money,” Screwed requires nothing more for a Halloween costume then an open can of Natural Light and an expression that would make a hyena cry. Possessing neither his brother’s unique sartorial flair nor undying passion for emerald green, Screwed instead prefers white tank tops, unbuttoned flannel shirts and—should the mood strike—pants. So if you’re looking for an inexpensive outfit this season—and have recently lost your job, your significant other or maybe just a toe in a bet—surely Screwed is the costume for you.

4. President William Henry Harrison: Granted, he may lack the familiarity of Washington, the gravitas of Jefferson or even the serene idiocy of Reagan, but what do you expect from a man who died less than a month in office, not from a sniper bullet but from “the sniffles”? But his loss is now your gain! Since almost no one can be expected to have a clear recollection of what a President who barely had time to unpack—much less have an official portrait painted—looked like, you’re free to interpret his image any way you damn well please! While prudent costume designers would strongly suggest you avoid Vans and an American Apparel hoodie, who’s to say the ninth leader of the free world didn’t like his morning jog? And who’s to say what kind of sunglasses he wore, Oakley or Tag Heuer? And can anyone here present documented proof that President Harrison didn’t just like to “chill” in an old pair of Diesel jeans and a CBGB shirt from Urban Outfitters, cell phone at the ready? Well, probably no one at the party you’re attending, so be creative! The only limit is your imagination and your guests’ collective knowledge of 1840’s American society and couture.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What Does Faye Want to Discuss with Sally?

"Listen, Mrs. Forth, your daughter and I have become more than just friends. We've become a particularly thorny issue for a family-oriented comic strip"

"Well, my rumspringa is at an end. Time for this girl to get back to Amish Country."

"I saw your husband sob uncontrollably while watching How to Look Good Naked."

"Why are you, Hilary and Ted apparently the only people around here with last names?"

"If we were The Golden Girls I'd be Dorothy, Hil would be Rose, you'd be Sophia and Ted would be that live-in gay housekeeper character they cut after the pilot episode."*

"Okay, first the good news--you were right. Hil and I shouldn't have been playing 'Hide Behind the Gas Pumps while Shooting Flaming Arrows at Each Other'..."

“I despise everything that your family represents. But I love your stocked fridge and indoor plumbing. So clearly I’m torn.”

"I know about your past life playing a naked sexpot for U.S. servicemen. Now let's talk blackmail..." *

"I realize that I may come around here far more often than you would like. But you have to understand, you don't have a choice. Your house wants me here."

"Hilary and I have formed an intense psychological bond involving an elaborate fantasy world of our making called 'Forth World,' a constant correspondence written in the form of a royal couple and, well, if you've guessed what film I'm referring to by now then you know this is the part where I bash your head in with a brick." *

Friday, October 17, 2008

Tall Tale Features Radio: Talkin' Berke Breathed

The very mellifluous Tom Racine of Tall Tale Features interviews Brian Anderson of Dog Eat Doug, Mike Witmer of Pinkerton and yours truly on the ending of Opus and Berke Breathed's comic strip career.

Last time Tom interviewed me listeners couldn't decide if I sounded more like Ray Romano or Woody Allen. This time I might have had a blocked nasal passage so there's a good chance I sound exactly like Fran Drescher. I guess what I'm trying to say is never raise your child in Queens, Brooklyn or Long Island. Their shame--and yours--will last forever.

You can hear the whole show right here.

And yes, I'm a 41-year-old man who still has his button-festooned Yuppie Opus plush doll. And for those readers who just had to be raised on Long Island and noticed the WDRE button, causing them to shake their heads, please know I tried my best to find the original WLIR button back in the day but had to settle for second best.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

More Information on This Weekend's Huge Sally Forth Expo!

Originally conceived by Crispy Gamer, The First Annual Occasional and Only Sally Forth Expo has released its full schedule of events, courtesy of Yellojkt! For ticket information, topics and times please go here. Thanks!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ted Forth's Guide for the Newly Laid Off: How to "Formulate" a Powerful Resume by "Implementing" Action Words that "Facilitate" Interest

A resume has to do more than simply identify and detail your professional skills. It has to bring them to life so that they fly off the page, jab your future employer in the eye and dance, DANCE into their brain, most probably through retinal ganglion cells or by way of magical sprites (we’re a little unclear as to the exact science of persuasion). To achieve such results, it’s imperative to employ action words to fully illustrate the impact and influence of your accomplishments in the business world. The following is a list of terms that are certain to capture the attention of human resources if not local authorities, each featuring an example of their use taken from actual, if not real, resumes:

Pioneered: "Pioneered the use of Scotch-brand adhesive tape to fashion a colossal ‘spider web’ over the entrance to my cubicle, allowing me to cackle with delight whenever it ensnared an unsuspecting coworker, a visiting client or any number of wriggling offspring during ‘Take Your Child to Work Day.’"

Negotiated: "Negotiated a truce between warring mailroom and janitorial factions in a months-long feud that started, in part, because I thought it would be funny to watch them fight, only to lose many, many cherished coworkers in the ensuing battles."

Demonstrated: "Demonstrated long and loud for management to start stocking vending machines with Sweet Tarts rather than the inferior tasting knock-off Spree, eventually chaining myself to the office pantry door in protest only to realize I had not taken the added precaution of actually locking said door, thus permitting coworkers to enter the pantry as they pleased, eat their lunches, drink their coffee and even purchase delicious candy while I watched helplessly, starving first for attention, then maybe a pizza crust and finally for the stray beads of sweat that would occasionally slide into my mouth."

Influenced: "Influenced by some religious pamphlets I came across at a liquor store during a particularly low period in my life when I had come to mistake raspberry-infused vodka for love, I insisted we commence each meeting with a prayer, followed by a moment of silence and then conclude with the interdepartmental shaming of sinners, fornicators and Unitarians."

Customized: "Customized Styrofoam coffee cups by name for each one of our 1100 employees using only a Sharpie and an office directory—every single day—until I snapped and started screaming at coworkers for the love of god to please start reusing their cups for fear I would go blind or forever lose use of my right hand. Only after several weeks did an accidental perusal of my assigned office duties indicate that such a task in no way fell under my or anyone known person’s job responsibilities."

Evaluated: "Evaluated the odds of my having sex with every coworker who walked by my office door, only to come to the rather sobering conclusion that unless I start offering cash incentives every other minute on Twitter, I’ll have to join the priesthood to get some."

Supervised: "Supervised by a team of physicians shortly after an accident during a company’s ‘fun run’ in which the corporation neither bothered to submit a permit to close off a section of a well-traveled interstate for the event nor realized that a marathon is only 26.4 miles long, I nonetheless continued to show up for work until my addiction to Percodan was so staggering that I had to down two whole bottles just to recover from opening a previous bottle."

Collaborated: "Collaborated with several hundred volunteers to make the world’s largest western omelet that—due to mismanagement, poor portion control and the dietary requirements on many participants—instead wound up being the world’s 18th largest egg-white frittata."

Managed: "Managed to find a meal between lunch and dinner, effectively keeping me out of the office from noon to nine the following morning, barring brunch."

Led: "Led once more by my crippling need to be liked, I gladly assumed complete responsibility for three huge assignments—one from a company that didn’t even employ me—which ended with both my dismissal due to overwhelming managerial incompetence as well as the total collapse of the geo-economic infrastructure last week."

Analyzed: "Analyzed by the only still licensed practitioner of phrenology and physiognomy, my head and face were determined to have the contours of either a natural born leader or a partially eroded quartz rock."

Strengthened: "Strengthened by the belief that my mom was right and I am special, I took to ignoring all company ascribed goals and department deadlines, instead creating a competing business within the corporation using sofa cushions to build an office in their lobby, a walkie-talkie for sales calls and a mini-fridge stocked with Lunchables and Capri Sun juice bags should I have to entertain clients."

Motivated: "Motivated by naked greed and the desire to impress chicks, I knowingly and willingly sold shares to a company that folded shortly after the advent of the McCormack reaper."

Monday, October 13, 2008

Monkeys Raising Tigers! Apes Learning Parliamentary Procedure! Revelations Was Right!

Gawker explains how a cuddly-wuddly monkey-white tiger alliance could very well be the start of mankind's end.

How to Make the Most of Your Layoff

How many times have you sat in your office/cubicle/taffy stand and thought to yourself, “Man, if I didn’t have to show up to work every day I could really make something of myself. I could really make something of my life! I could learn a language. I could write a book. I could backpack around the world. I could finally watch those Netflix DVDs of Lost Season 3 I've had sitting on my coffee table for the past 11 months."

Well, thanks to a collapsing global economy, a crumbling job market and the breakdown of everything we held dear all in the matter of eight days, many of us can now experience the pleasure of casting aside the financially-secure shackles of employment thanks to the fast-growing miracle of "layoffs."

Now, when many of us hear the word "layoff" we can only envision the end of a salaried position or the demise of healthcare benefits. But in reality, a layoff can be a blessing. For those who feel stuck in routine or trapped by professional obligations, a layoff can be the perfect time for personal renewal. A time in which not just to discover what a meal consisting entirely of Lucky Charms and Pabst’s tastes like at 10 A.M. (and then again at 2 P.M., 6 P.M. and 3 A.M.) but also a chance to feed your mind. A chance to feed your soul! No longer bound by the demands of your department, your work schedule or a Draconian office dress code that considers pajama pants “home clothes,” you are finally free to explore your dreams, map out your future and find something, anything, to kill eight to ten hours each and every day.

However, like an artist staring at a blank canvas, a writer staring at a blank computer screen and a freshly terminated employee staring at their grimy, unshaven, dead-eyed visage in their bathroom mirror, it can often be hard to decide what to do first. Do you reorganize your home? Do you take up an instrument? Do you start talking to yourself, then to your pet, then to your cutlery, giving each fork, knife and spoon both a name and a motive? The choices are as endless as the mornings and afternoons! But to give you that extra push you may need off the couch and away from the cable remote, Wii controller and sleeping pills, I present a helpful "To-Do List" for all those who are happy to be out of the office but scared to be alone with their thoughts.

• Start a blog! What better way to work towards writing that book, play or film script than by getting into the habit of jotting down your thoughts every day? Each morning just sit yourself behind your keyboard and let the thoughts flow out of you, stopping occasionally for nourishment or at least punctuation. Want to share a childhood memory? Want to throw your two cents in about a recent news development? Want to take the opportunity to remind hundreds of people you never met that it’s your birthday and once again you’ll be celebrating alone at the same diner you celebrated your college graduation all by yourself? Put it in there! Before you know it you’ll have a rapt online audience completely taken with your elliptical, Joycian prose, your keen insights into flagrant promotion of yourself or your girlfriend, your seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of 70’s cartoon series, commercial jingles and Atari cartridges and your complete willingness to let just anyone gape into the dark nether regions of your soul as you type just fast enough to outrun your own demons.

•Start a business! If unemployment will teach you anything it’s that you can’t count on others to keep paying you (and that most physical injuries seem to occur the second your health coverage lapses). So why not make your own money?! By becoming an entrepreneur you not only get to be the captain of your own destiny but also the crew, the shipbuilder, the dockhand and the one who first comes upon the wreckage on the beach. Hours once spent on one mind-numbing job can now be spent on countless heart-racing tasks, from drawing up a business proposal to conducting a market analysis to ascertain the viability of your idea to deciding on whether it will be a general partnership, limited liability company or sole proprietorship to securing the necessary permits and licenses to determining whether or not to file for S Corporation status to selecting and reserving a company name to developing a capitalization/borrowing/debt service plan to obtaining all required government forms to drafting all employment contracts to establishing check-cashing procedures to having an independent appraiser calculate the replacement value of your property to shopping for the best loan terms to identifying all trademarks, patents, copyrights and service marks you must register or purchase. And that’s just the first ten years! Soon you’ll be working three jobs just to secure the initial capital and expenses reserve you’ll need to operate a full-time business that you can now only find time to keep open between midnight and five a.m. You may not make a fortune. You may not even live to see forty. But you will have certainly made the most of your time off by ensuring you never, ever have the chance to nap or even sleep again.

• Start a militia! By the third or fourth month of unemployment your self-recrimination will slowly, magically, transform itself into victimhood. Statements once phrased as “How could I let this happen?!” will be delivered as “How could this happen to me?!” Random fears will coalesce into focused rage. Scapegoats will be uncovered for your career demise. Federal agencies will be blamed for your inability to secure another job. Agendas will be put in motion to exact revenge on a government that no longer has your best interests or desire for a third car at heart. Soon you’re finally out of the house and once again communicating with other likeminded individuals. Days once spent indoors with only a box of wine and Kleenex to keep you company will now be spent in the woods or caves in the company of trained marksmen and people who know how to make an explosive out of tree bark. Who knew you could feel such a renewed sense of purpose?! “This is our time!” you’ll shout, spirits and rifles raised high. Finally you’re making something of yourself. Finally you’re making something of your life! Finally you have a course of action. But let’s just hope you get captured or shot before you achieve a sense of accomplishment.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Less Important than the Economy, More Significant than Footwear

A very big thank you to everyone who helped Medium Large score record traffic. And a special shout-out to Josh of Comics Curmudgeon for driving so many of his great readers my way. Thanks to your peepers the site got featured on the Wordpress home page as a Hot Community Post:

It also came in as the seventh most popular Wordpress blog post of the day, between an Anderson 360 blog post addressing financial fears and a post about Suri Cruise's custom footwear.

Esteemed company indeed.

Thanks again!

The First Ever Sally Forth Expo!

Get all information, dates, group rates and proposed events here! (Scroll down to the middle of the page).

And in a nod to this very special, no doubt once in a lifetime event (judging by predicted turnout unless we hit double-digit attendees), how will you dress up for SallyCon? Send in your photos to and the best ones will be posted on this site! (Yes, I actually just suggested people dress up as Sally Forth characters and send me pics. Clearly my life has taken some regrettable turn).

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Medium Large: Your Source for All Things Vampire?

The following are actual search engine terms people used to find Medium Large (according to Wordpress stats):

was september 22nd 2008 a monday
vampire pig
comic strips about impulse
real bear angry
poor self concept comic strips
seven number vampire
lego turtle
toppless dark magician girl yu gi
comic strip pour some sugar on me shirt
pig son
drunk` small eyes
stupid dorks
allegory of the cave comic strip
contract with the dark master
small vampire pics
wednesdays in victorian times
strip games norah

And then, as an added bonus, the most disturbing search engine terms for Teenage Girl President:

strip whip tgp
hurt me tgp

UPDATE: Okay, everyone, let's turn this into a meme. Holy Prepuce all ready got into the act (see comments). So what are the oddest search terms that have brought people to your site?

Flashback Music Review

"Change" by Tears for Fears

Press “I’m Feeling Lucky” when Googling “Change + lyrics” and you’ll find yourself staring at the words to “Change” by the band Good Charlotte. Mention how the Smurfs had a higher “sausage to hotdog bun” ratio than the Southern Baptist leadership and you’ll find few able to back your assertion. Go on and on about that Brady Bunch episode where the kids meet Don Ho and Vincent Price and you’ll find a pack of twentysomethings staring at you as if you were wearing only a colander and screaming at your fingertips.

Sooner or later every generation experiences that moment when references to the popular songs, TV shows, movies and Monchichci jingles of their youth are no longer conversational touchstones. Such is the case with Tears for Fears. Fifteen or so years ago just saying the band’s name instantly tapped a collective wellspring of images—the “bloopers montage” near the end of the video for “Head Over Heels”; the utter shock when the group pulled out of Live Aid the very day of the concert; the first-year psychology students who wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how the band’s name was derived from primal scream therapy. Fifteen years ago all of these were greeted with the same quick nod of recognition now saved for Simpsons quotes.

But 15 more years of relevance is a lot to ask of a pop memory. And 25 years is an eon in terms of cultural significance. Back in 1983, when the song “Change” was released, a handful of people found a new group that they could call their own. Back in 1985, when the single “Shout” hit #1, the entire world knew of the band’s name. Now it’s 2008 and I find myself having to give lengthy footnotes to yet another recollection, like a grandfather who casually mentions “diphtheria” only to be met with stone-cold silence. Tears for Fears once more belongs to a handful of people, but this time it feels less like a group of true fans and more like a pack of survivors.

At least I can take comfort in the knowledge that it’ll only be a few more minutes before everyone forgets who the hell Good Charlotte was.

NOTE: Above first appeared in the great humor/literary site Yankee Pot Roast. Check out their fantastic new book Underated: The Yankee Pot Roast Book of Awesome Underappreciated Stuff!

Monday, October 6, 2008

How to Have a Office Affair that Everyone in the Company Will Know about a Full Five Minutes before the Two of You Stumble out of the Utility Room

“Dipping your pen in the company ink.” “Uploading a new file.” “Targeting your skill set for a niche market." The euphemisms might have become increasingly abstract and disturbing but the point remains the same—much like a perverted squirrel, people who engage in office affairs are fucking nuts. But when it comes to "scheduling a quick one-on-one meeting behind the Chipolte's during lunch" the sanity of your actions rarely comes into question. That’s because somewhere between the oblivious and the obvious, between “kiss me” and “bite me,” lies that beautiful grace period when the planets all seem to be aligned in your favor, the stars all seem to be shining for only the two of you and the Fates are laughing so hard you can practically hear them choking. It's a period I like to call “The Four Stages of Romantic Retardation”:

1. The Initial Crush: Maybe it’s their smile. Maybe it’s their effervescent personality. Maybe it’s because they’re the only coworker to ever call you by your name even though you’ve been with the company for 12 full years—a fact that has made you so desperate for any acknowledgment of your existence that you’re willing to overlook the fact that they mispronounced “Ted” as “Guillermo.” Whatever the reason you yearn to be with them, which often leads you to…

2. That First Kiss: Whether it’s because you got tipsy at an office holiday party, drunk at an after work get-together or bat-blinding smashed at a corporate budgetary meeting, that first forbidden kiss can either result in excuses like “I mistakenly thought you were someone in a position of power” or be that first Knobs Creek-fueled step toward…

3. A Secret Fling: Stolen moments. Longing looks. Suggestive remarks so poorly veiled that even the office plants can figure out what’s going on. This is when it gets good…by which we mean for the staff gossips, who’ll be so tenacious in their pursuit for the truth that they’ll make Columbo look like a concussed Chief Wiggum. To combat the increased attention you’ll soon find yourself arriving at and leaving the office at different times, making sure to be seen having lunch with different people and enjoying a whole host of other such activities as a new couple. A couple that should all work out as it is meant to be will one day soon…

4. Exchange of Stilted, Awkward Pleasantries about the Weather or Undermining Remarks about How Tired the Other Person Looks: Well, you knew it couldn’t last. But what a week, huh? It seems like only yesterday your thoughts were only about one another. Now if you gave any less of a shit about each other you’d be constipated. Once the two of you could talk about anything for any length of time. Today all you can do is cough “what dick?” whenever the other presents at the weekly department meeting. But just because you’re giving each other the silent treatment doesn’t mean no one is talking. Remember that morning you shared your most guarded secrets? Remember that afternoon you felt close enough to cry in front of the other person? Remember that night you oh-so-casually brought up the subject of “golden showers”? Well, you might as well have cc’d the entire office after each encounter because it’s only going to be a matter of minutes between hearing yourself say “it’s over” and hearing your supervisor say “Hey, can we call you Pee Pee Herman now?” Your credibility will be shot. Your career will be garroted. Your confidence will be hit repeatedly with a blunt instrument. Everything you have worked so hard and so long for will all disappear in the blink of an eye and violent twitch of your mouth…but when you think about it, that was bound to happen sooner or later anyway so you might as well get laid.

Friday, October 3, 2008

New Video: Pizza Hut Anniversary Party

Pizza Hut takestheir pasta surprise party to a more intimate setting, striking a deal with a husband supposedly cooking an anniversary dinner for his wife. Let's see what happens...

Starring Meredith Jacobs and Kevin Tor
Written by Kevin Tor and Loly Tor
Directed by Chris Sifflet

Thursday, October 2, 2008

How to Tell if You Just Blew Good Money to Make a Bad Independent Film

Over the past few years I've had a nice little run as a Script Supervisor for various films, running the gamut from the definitively "indie" to major motion pictures. But truth be told, I perhaps learned the most about filmmaking from the scrappy little productions that made the most of what they had, sometimes making a final product that no one could ever have predicted from the dailies. Today, as we begin our way through what has become "Oscar Bait Season," I would like to share those lessons with you in the hopes that if you ever find yourself behind the camera, in front of the camera or actually serving as the camera on a particularly micro-budgeted production they will prevent you from making a movie even your mom would critically drub.

How to Tell if You Just Blew Good Money to See a Bad Independent Film

• The director plays five major roles and operates the boom mic.

• The film can best be described as “gritty realism” if only because you get to watch every single character take a piss.

• The narration begins, “Mateo was ripe for adventure…”

• The entire original score is hummed.

• The movie proudly states it was “Inspired by the director’s college thesis on Ayn Rand.”

• One of the characters regularly smokes clove cigarettes, and it’s not played for laughs.

• The film opens with an extreme close-up of a fly resting on a woman’s cheek…and stays on that shot for a full ten minutes.

• The movie single-handedly spawns a new motion picture genre—“ninja ennui.”

• A character uses the word “jejune” when speaking of their dog.

• It’s billed as a romantic sex comedy but the only one getting any action is the robot.

• The film is about a group of unmotivated, unattached twentysomething slackers who spend their days bemoaning their fates in iambic pentameter.

• In the credits the producers thank numerous militias.

• The white girl with the dreadlocks is taken seriously.

• The story is told from the perspective of a frustrated writer, a disgruntled teen or a loquacious mime.

• The cast spends the entire 100 minutes sitting on a ratty couch in a Village studio apartment getting stoned, staring into space and engaging in deep, philosophical discussions about the musical direction of their band “Paper or Plastic.”

• The lesbians never make out.

• The indigent farm family all wear “Lucky Brand” overalls.

• The movie takes place completely in the kitchen, much to the obvious dismay of the director’s mother.

• The camera cuts to developing storm clouds whenever there is tension, to a sunny meadow whenever there is joy and to the contents of an unflushed toilet whenever possible.

• The film opens in a freshman philosophy class.

• The dream sequence takes up 90% of the film.

• The title song finds a rhyme for “Siddharta.”

• The movie addresses third world famine and pestilence, by way of a cardiologist’s family in New Rochelle.

• Sexual politics is explored in a retirement community.

• The only character that doesn’t commit suicide is the wise cockatoo.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Leaked Notes from Ann Coulter's Book Editor

Dear Ann:

* Please do not spell things phonetically. You clearly mispronounce a lot of words.

* Never start a sentence with "and," "but" or your crush on Timothy McVeigh.

* You have a tendency to write awkward sentences when working with concepts unfamiliar to you, such as American history.

* Although 780 endnotes is indeed impressive, almost all of yours seem to cite dreams, overheard bus conversations and blackface vaudevillian routines.

* Considering his death, perhaps it's best if you rephrase "I want to blow Ronald Reagan" in the past tense.

* Please check to ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, not simply a target and a racial slur.

* Contrary to your impassioned statements, James G. Watt's environmental policies did not, in fact, bring back the unicorn.

* Introductory elements of a sentence typically tend to establish either time or condition, not the author's overwhelming insecurity or need to avenge third-grade taunts.

* Keep your sentences simple, not your thoughts.

* The word "God" does not appear in the U.S. Constitution. Neither does the word "genocide."

* If you consult our publishing house's manual of style you'll notice that we frown on printing white text on white paper, despite your crippling fear of all things black.

* Read your manuscript out loud. If it sounds like Deutschland Uber Alles could easily be played in the background while you speak, we may have a problem.

* I'm very uncomfortable with the numerous rape fantasies in your manuscript, whether its the rape of the earth, of our natural resources or of you by Joe McCarthy.

• While I understand that you like to engage in hyperbole, calling yourself "attractive" is simply pushing it.