Friday, May 30, 2008

One Reader's Pithy Email Response to the Forths Considering Having a Second Child

World population 6.6 billion.

Yes, because if there's one thing that's going to tip the scales to an unwieldy carrying capacity, depleted resources, unstable economic systems and environmental degradation it's an imaginary child.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

A Forth By Any Other Name

With the Forths inching ever so closer to trying to conceive a brother or sister for Hilary, Ted has compiled a short list of names he believes most suitable for the new offspring. Which do you think should make the cut?

1. Steve Austin
2. Dynagirl
3. Yakko
4. Dastardly
5. Jean LaFoote or "Soggies"
6. Baron Karza
7. Farrah
8. Cheetara
9. Adora
10. Zaxxon
11. Smurfette
12. Rio
13. Wham-O
14. Mr. Bubble
15. Frito Bandito
16. Quisp and Quake (twins)
17. Chumley
18. Razzle
19. Goofy Grape
20. Bleep

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

A Fan Praises the New Sally Forth Story Line

From Comics Curmudgeon Comment Section:
There is no conversation more tiresome than middle aged, middle class people discussing their reproduction. Pretty soon, we will have to listen to Ted saying “We’re pregnant.” or he and Sally telling everyone at the table “We’re trying to get pregnant.”

Seriously, I would much rather hear what you paid for your house, how Jesus changed your life, what the doctor told you about the mole, anything but the angst and struggles of overprivileged pregnancy.

Mr. Marciuliano, I know you read here. Stop it, just stop it. Either she’s pregnant or find another story line, and not one about Ted’s mixed feelings on the subject.

So with the above laudatory note in mind, which plot should I write next?
A) Ted and Sally discuss how on earth they are going to make their house payments after Ted quits his job in tears when a coworker says he looks "hippy."
B) Wanting to give Hilary the moral underpinnings necessary for a good life, Ted and Sally revisit their old church only to find the sacred grove and horgr in disarray, the Volvas at odds with the godi and the god Freyr demanding fresh scacrifices in return for a mild winter.
C) Ted learns his new mole is actually his soul bubbling through his skin in an attempt to find a more suitable host body.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Surface Findings from the Phoenix Mars Lander

Martian soil comprised of 96% astroturf, 4% crushed Natty Light cans.

Martians already three films ahead of us in the National Treasure movie series, two in the Fast and Furious series and fourteen in the Leprechaun series.

Mar's controversial "rebel" flag also available as hood decals, bikinis and swaddling clothes.

“God Bless Tharsis Montes” stickers are everywhere.

Martian textbooks refer to existence of Earth as "an unproven scientific theory."

Martian Dennys won't serve anyone from Phobos or Deimos.

Martian family-values Senator found with his flarx in an underage pudenixblorp.

Construction of Martian Super Wal-Mart decried by upscale residents but Martian Super Target welcomed with open arms.

Mars needs women and an alternative to the SPEED network.

Martians quick to sue when you land intergalactic hardware on their '86 Pontiac Fiero.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Upcoming Small-Town Newspaper Headlines

Ice Cream Man Abandons Truck, Dreams

Local Church Looks to God for Answers

When Push Came to Shove, Elderly Man Lost Footing

Well, Well, Look Who Got Himself a Toro

Much Needed Rain Mixes Things Up

New Mascot Recalls School's Racist, Anti-Semitic Past

Readers Express Sadness over Despondency

Who Let the Dogs Out?: Bites, Maulings Way Up

Lottery to Solve All

Mom Inspires Orphans to "Create" Family Trees

Quilting Spelling Bee Seeks Glory on All Fronts

Town Officials Not Having Any of It

High School Valedictorian Ready to Leave

Developer Turns Attention to Real Estate

Out with the Old: Veterans' Day Parade Happens

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Next Time I'm Having Hilary and Faye Hook Up with Tegan and Sara

The nice--or at least bemused--people of Pitchfork have written another short article on Sally Forth, this time in reference to today's Vampire Weekend strip.

Thanks to lol.ror (if that is indeed his real name) for pointing it out!

UPDATE: Apparently the strip also confused The Onion.

Well, We Still Have the Original Cartoon Series to Entertain Us

Sure Signs You Accidentally Eliminated the Keebler Elves

• When emptying vacuum bag little hats fall out.
• Lawnmower suddenly starts spraying Cheez-It crackers everywhere.
• Dog returns from walk with "uncommonly good" breath.
• Sound of mousetrap slamming followed by faint scent of fudge.
• Receive "thank you" card and cash reward from Nabisco.
• Last thing heard before backing car out of driveway is "Ernie! Watch out!"
• Every time sprinklers turn on you detect high-pitch gurgling.
• Pulled weed comes complete with tiny sign, operating bakery and attached plumbing.
• Long processional of Hot Wheels hearses in hallway.
• Start getting pelted with pebbles thrown by gnomes, sprites and Rice Krispies triplets.

And from the Medium Large Archives:

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Election Primer 101

With all the recent talk about superdelegates, another little-understood facet of our democratic republic's election system has not received its due coverage or explanation. So thanks to a rather reputable college education that, alas, focused almost entirely on 20th century British literature and R.E.M.'s I.R.S. label years, allow me to provide you with the following short yet significant summary in U.S. politics:

The Electoral College and You...Minus You
The Electoral College was devised by the Framers of the Constitution as America's last stand against the democracy it had fought long and hard to secure. Of course, by "democracy" our forefathers meant "mob rule" and by "mob" they, curiously enough, meant Sicilians. In an attempt to prevent the rabble from running roughshod over the government and putting a Hummel figurine or Disney character in charge, the Framers decided that each state would choose electors equal to that state's number of Senate and House seats combined. The electors would then meet in their states and burn a witch. If the witch emitted a plume of white smoke, then there would be a new Pope. The Pope would then realize that most Americans view Catholicism as an outgrowth of voodoo and so would quickly assume the shape of a swan to allude grievous harm. While as a swan, he would then impregnate an unsuspecting or drunk Greek woman, who in turn would give birth to the next President of the United States. Unless, of course, no witch, Pope, swan or whatever achieved a majority of the vote, in which case the tallest non-twin individual in America would become Emperor.

Next Time: How Can We Be Both a Democracy and a Republic at the same time? (Hint: Mirrors)

Monday, May 5, 2008

"What Is Comedy?": My First Educational Film

Long forgotten and widely discredited, this 1951 classroom film from Medium Large's educational archives ("Bake Your Way to Marriage!" "How to Cripple a Bully" "Polio: God's Judgment Against Gays" ) exposes the chilling, horrifying, alarming truth about comedy in a fun, fact-filled format every student can enjoy.

Note: If you're having trouble reading the text, please go here and select "Watch in high quality" under the "Views" total.

Thank you!

Overheard at Cinco de Mayo Celebrations across the U.S.

"This...this is my tenth margarita...twelfth is you count the other two."

"Just think, right now, all across Mexico, families are celebrating with the same Nacho Supreme platters, jalepeno poppers and bottomless mojitos as us. Small world, huh?"

"I'm not Mexican yet I get shitfaced on Cinco de Mayo. I'm not Irish yet I get shitfaced on St. Patrick's Day. I am, however, Catholic, so it's okay that I get shitfaced on Christmas. And Easter. And Lent."

"Did you know that Cinco de Mayo isn't a celebration of Mexico's independence? And I thought they were their own country."

"Imagine if the government actually constructed that anti-immigrant fence. Who would be serving us now? Us? Please..."

"Okay, one more round of shots and then it's back to work. After all, this tracheotomy isn't going to perform itself."

"You know, Tony Montana in Scarface was Mexican...or Cuban...or Puerto Rican...Definitely Latin...definitely..."

"What do you mean Cipolte's doesn't sell Coronas?!...Goddamn wannabes..."

"I'm just saying if we don't do something now, as a group, then it might be too late. We have to stop them because no one else will! No one else can. Not now...We have to take control!...We need the biggest guys...You in?...You?...You?...And we need weapons. Whatever you got. Forks, knives, hot water, anything...Okay, are we ready?...Are we ready?...Okay then. Time to put an end to that mariachi band...Let's roll."

"You know what would really say 'Cinco de Mayo'? Taco singing Puttin' on the Ritz."

Thursday, May 1, 2008

"The Golden Girls," Season 21, Episode 6

Scene: Living Room. Noon

Dorothy: I'm worried about Ma. It's been two weeks and she still hasn't gotten out of bed.

Rose: And Blanche has been slumped over that coffee table since last Saturday.

Dorothy: Rose, why aren't you wearing any clothes?

Rose: Why aren't you a Western omelet?

Dorothy: What?

Rose: This reminds me of the time in St. Olaf when the March of Dimes Walk resulted in a race of Swedish nomads.

Dorothy hits Rose with a rolled-up newspaper. Rose drops to the ground. She does not get up.

Dorothy: This calls for cheesecake.

Dorothy walks out into traffic.